I was a carefree kid tromping through the woods behind our house. I wasn’t oblivious to the dangers that lurked there. The tunnels running under the highway that cut through the woods were dark and damp and the perfect hiding spot for snakes. I came across a very large black snake one afternoon when I rode my bike down our well-worn trails. So I knew they were there. But it didn’t keep me from the woods, and I didn’t need anyone to accompany me on my treks down the path of the creek.
I can’t pinpoint when it happened or why, but somewhere along the way I lost that carefree kid. I still enjoy a hike in the woods. I prefer the trails at Giant City State Park though. They’re clearly marked and regularly used. In my mind that means less chance of coming across and unwanted guest. Even then, I don’t like hiking them alone. I prefer cooler weather for hiking, late autumn or early spring. Reptiles, if they’re out, are sluggish in the cold. I stand a better chance of a successful getaway, at least I can tell myself that.
There are several areas of life where I don’t proceed with as much abandon as I once did. I didn’t give jumping into the muddy pond at church camp a second thought as a kid. Now you can’t pay me enough to get in it. The health department approves it each year, like it has to for every beach. But now, Tantor’s words from Tarzan ring in my mind. “Are you sure this water’s sanitary? It looks questionable to me.” And don’t even get me started on eating food with suspicious origins. I want to know who brought what to the potluck, and I’ll gag if I see someone double dipping. I’m not about to eat that dip anymore.
It’s not that I live in constant fear. I don’t have any phobias, and I don’t let these things keep me from doing what I want to do. But it’s interesting to me that I now give time to things I never considered as a kid. Fears like these are manageable. They’re really more of a nuisance. Other fears can be crippling. Just ask Jake Porter.
Jake, one of the main characters in A Love Like Ours by Becky Wade, knows about the kind of fear born out of trauma that digs its talons in and doesn’t let go. He was always cautious and provided a balance to the reckless abandon of his childhood friend Lyndie. He was beside her every step of the way. He protected her and respected her freedom when her ideas could land her in a mess. Then, she moved away, and Jake knew his first taste of loss.
His desire to protect and caution served him well in the military until a disastrous mission changed his life forever. Dealing with PTSD, Jake retreated to the solitude of home to train Thoroughbreds and shut out the world. When Lyndie marches back into his life, Jake’s tentative peace is shattered. Lyndie hasn’t changed. Her spirit is as free as it was in childhood. Her passion for riding and his desire to protect conflict.
Though they quickly find friendship again, it’s not without difficulties. As Jake’s feelings start to go in a more romantic direction, his fears threaten to keep a wall up between them. He can’t lose Lyndie, and Lyndie can’t settle down. Jake has to deal with his past and his fears or face losing his love for the second time.
While most of us won’t ever deal with circumstances that lead to PTSD, we still let fear influence our decisions. As believers we are taught that God has a plan for us. We have a purpose, and whatever ministry God has for us to accomplish, He will provide the way for it to work out the way He intends. Our heads know this. Sometimes our hearts forget.
No one wants to fail. That’s a big fear factor for a lot of people, myself included. The first time I gave Faith’s Journey to a professional author to read and tell me what she thought, I was terrified. What if she said it was awful? What if she told me I was wrong, that God wasn’t calling me to write anything because I couldn’t write? And if she did think it was worth something a whole new set of worries developed. It meant I was ready to send it to publishers and agents. What if I sent it out to everyone I could and no one wanted it? I knew that feeling from other projects I’d worked on, things that I believed in that no one I spoke with wanted to take on. But this book was different. This was the dream. I’d wanted to write Christian fiction for as long as I could remember. If no one wanted the other projects, their rejection stung but it wasn’t my first love. If no one wanted to take a chance on Faith’s Journey, it would be devastating.
I had a choice. I could let my fear keep me from going forward with what I felt in my heart God had called me to do, or I could work through my fear and send my manuscript out. More than I wanted success, I wanted to be a good steward of the passion and ministry I felt God had given me. Even if that meant no one wanted my book, I had to put my fear aside and send it. I queried a few agents and publishers. A few said no and that stung. But it made it sweeter when Mantle Rock Publishing said yes. In His time and in His way, God has brought me to where I am today. My first book has been out almost a year. In March the sequel arrives. And I’m currently working to wrap up Katie’s story in a way that will be honest and encouraging for readers.
None of this would have taken place if I hadn’t moved out of the place of fear and done what I felt God would have me do. It was mine to move when God said move and to trust God with the outcome.