Torn in Two

Tonight is our local writing group’s monthly night to meet. I decided halfway through my work day that I wasn’t sure I would make it. I was sick Monday night and yesterday. Today, I went back to work, but I still wasn’t feeling quite up to par. At the end of the day, I knew I didn’t have it in me to attend. I’ve not eaten much and I haven’t slept well the last two nights. My spirit wanted to go, but my body just didn’t allow it.

I can’t help wondering what they’re doing tonight. Are they reading the latest chapters on their works in progress? Maybe brainstorming ideas for turning the journal pages of one member’s mother into a fictional story? Or they could be participating in one of the great writing exercises Brenda, our host, comes up with to challenge us and get our creative juices flowing. I love those writing exercises.

It’s amazing to me how we can all take the same assignment and turn out completely different results. It gives a lot of insight into our writing styles and personalities. I have to admit a couple of us may tend to take a darker turn with our assignments. They tend toward the serious or mysterious. One writer is almost always rainbows and sunshine. I love sharing what we’ve come up with. It’s encouraging that we can all go different directions and all still be writing well.

Because of this camaraderie and sharpening of each other’s abilities, I find myself sitting here wishing I could be there. At the same time, my eyes are drooping and I can’t keep from yawning. I have no energy. The last remnants of being sick. I know I could not have made it through the evening. But I miss it nonetheless.

We all face those times at points in our lives. We’ve been sick or crazy busy or stressed by whatever happens to stress us out at that particular point in our lives. Whatever is going on, we just can’t do one more thing. The desire is there, but our bodies betray us.

It reminds me of a spiritual problem we too often face. Paul wrote in Romans 7, “For what I am doing, I do not understand. For what I will to do, that I do not practice; but what I hate, that I do.” We find out why he battled if we look back to the words of Jesus in Matthew 26. “Watch and pray, let you enter into temptation. The spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak.” Jesus was speaking to the disciples about their inability to stay awake and pray with him in his time of need, but it was a lesson much greater than that. Jesus was reminding them, reminding us, of the battle that rages between the natural, sinful man and the new creation that takes place when we accept His work on the cross for the redemption of our sins.

Scripture tells us as believers we are no longer slaves to our sinful nature. We have the power to resist because of the Holy Spirit living inside us. But Jesus’ message and Paul’s reiteration of the same message is a warning that it is not easy. We may be made new in Christ, but the world we live and operate in is still mired in the old sinful ways. We are hounded by them. We are tempted by them. And though no believer would start off the day thinking, “I think I’ll spit in the face of my Savior today by choosing sin over His sacrifice”, we find ourselves doing exactly that.

Our spirits want to do what is right, but in our humanness we find we are entirely weak. But even weak we are not without hope. Jesus reminds us to be watchful and prayerful to avoid the trap of temptation. Scripture tells us a way out is always provided if we will only take it. The armor of God is ours to pick up and use faithfully. And the more we exercise it, the better we get at using it for our spiritual protection. But more than these things, we have forgiveness for the times we fail. God is faithful to forgive the repentant heart. He wipes the spiritual slate clean and allows us to start again.

This isn’t a license to sin without thought. By definition a repentant heart desires to turn away from sin. But there is a battle between what our spirit wants to do and what our sinful nature tempts us to do. It’s a battle that even the “greats” of faith like Paul faced. Knowing these things can help us learn to accept the forgiveness God offers with grace when what we want to do and what we end up doing are two very different things.